WOW thank you! It’s super rare for anyone, let alone a stranger on the internet to care and ask. I appreciate you. You have some personality traits you come across very seldom and I hope you preserve them. I’ll just put it in spoiler tags because it’s long.
spoilerSo, earlier today I drew up a diagram with my age on the x-axis and happiness on the y-axis. There were three times in my life when my happiness was in the positive. The first was when I met someone at school and they seemed to like me and we became mutual best friends. Unfortunately, they cut off all contact for reasons they still don’t want to talk about, so that ended fairly quickly. The second time was when I met an online friend irl, we became best friends instantly and started dating, but because of living on two different continents we couldn’t keep it up, so that was the end of that. I have an unfulfilled desire for reciprocated best friendship or love. Humans are social animals and I think it makes sense to feel miserable when a basic need that you have is unfulfilled. I’m not suggesting that everyone feels a need for romance or a best friend, but I certainly do. I have zero friends I can turn to in this town. My next closest friend lives 160km away while the second closest is already separated by the English channel. Oh, the third time in my life I felt happy? Well I was bullied throughout my entire childhood and adolescence for my weight. When I turned 18 and left that toxic environment, I was able to reach a weight that’s considered healthy for the first time in my life. I thought this would be the end of feeling miserable and that my life would start now. That optimism lasted for about a year. Then I realized that nothing has changed and nothing I have ever done has amounted to anything worthwhile. ___