You might never lose the weight and, if you do, there’s a high chance of putting it back on. You need someone who will love you for you, not what you look like.
And chances are, if you do lose the weight, you will just find another excuse to avoid life anyway.
There’s no hypocrisy in being big but finding slim more attractive. Lots of slim people find big more attractive. I mean, don’t hurl abuse at fat people for not being fanciable to you. But you’re allowed to have your own preferences (and you’re allowed to have no clue what someone else sees in you).
Stop overthinking, and making plans that let you avoid doing anything now. Get out there and work out how to be you, not the person you wish you were.