Oh, wow. That’s amazing. My parent isn’t as bad in severity as his mother, but there are a loooooot of commonalities. Wow. It also made me think about my 2nd parent and how they didn’t stand up for me as much as they should have. Wow. I’m gonna chew on this and watch it again.
Most of his videos are of a similar vein, tackling different aspects of trauma and growing up with narcassists; I also recommend them if you have the time.
Just because they are blood doesn’t mean you have to bleed for them.
Toxic people are a waste of your time and energy, both of which could be spent on the ones you truly love. I have my wife’s family that has filled the void from my own. You will find yours.
Feel however you want to feel, just don’t let a single motherfucker tell you how you should.
I was ‘stuck’ with a useless ass parent until he experienced a sudden death. I should have felt relief but the person I was dating at the time was insisting that I should be grieving. I actually had a pretty awful dinner a week after the funeral where I was being berated for not crying enough. The ex had unresolved daddy issues and was grieving vicariously through me.
Anyway, later on I was cleaning his car and found proof that he was cheating on my mom for years, then his poor financial decisions kept cropping up. That motherfucker haunted me a decade after his death with his various mistakes.
That’s just my experience, but in the end I ended up gretting the little bit of sympathy I did feel, and you know yourself and your parent best. If you dont feel they’re worth the feels, they probably arent.
One is the permanent loss of any possibility of receiving the parental love that every child deserves.
The second is the actual human being that was your parent.
Separate the two.
Grieving the first does not require you to grieve the second.
And remember that there are no "should"s in grief: we might grieve over something that has no logic behind it, and we might not grieve when someone else thinks we should.
Ignore all of that.
Focus on what your grief is telling you is important, and use any future opportunity for growth to grow in that direction.
One is the permanent loss of any possibility of receiving the parental love that every child deserves.
The second is the actual human being that was your parent.
I think it’s the former. I grieved the parental relationship several years ago when I realized it would never change.
Oh wow, I’m literally in the same dilemma lately and don’t know who to talk to. Your case is exactly like mine, how strange.
My first born is now 5 month old and I love him so much, with all my heart and soul. It makes me realize how easy it is to love your child and how could my parents had treated me so badly.
I got out as soon as I turned 18 and they have no idea why would I do that. So they told everyone how I’m an ungrateful piece of shit that abandon them the first chance I got.
_My parents: Abuse me every day since I could remember.
_Me: GTFO as soon as I could
_My parents: surprised Pikachu face
Never forget the day I ran away, all I got is a bag of clothes and $176 that I secretly saved up because they would took it away if they knew.
When I was little, my mom would constantly remind me how a waste of money I was. How I owe them for every penny they spent on me and I better pay them back ASAP when I’m “able to work”.
They would beat me for every little thing, like this one time when my mom yelling out for me from downstairs “where is that piece of shit?” So I answered “Ya?”. I was 8 at the time.
Or the time she tell me she wishes that I would got hit by a car and die so she doesn’t have to waste any more money on me. I believe I was in 2nd grade at the time.
Or when she misplaced a $10 bill and accused me of stealing it so she beat the shit out of me and starve me for the entire day, then she found the money somewhere she misplaced so I could eat dinner that day.
My dad on the other hand, is not much of an “abusive” one. But he has never done anything to protect me either. He just doesn’t really care about me at all.
Growing up, I has never had any toys or videogames or games of any kind. All I got are the most necessities like cheap clothes and enough to eat. And the constant reminder of how I should be eternally grateful for that.
No one would believe me when I sad my mother is a bad person and I hated her. Their first reaction is always skeptical at best, or downright believe I’m a spoiled brat because “all mother are saint”.
You sound like the person in the video that was linked in another reply.
/u/TwigletSparkle@lemmy.blahaj.zone
I highly recommend this video, it’s by a therapist who went through a similar thing and he breaks it down very well: m.youtube.com/watch?v=zcRUj8H3rc4
Whatever you’re feeling, it’s all valid. Nothing is ever really black or white, and you don’t have to try and keep your emotions in clearly defined boxes. Just feel what you’re feeling, acceptance is key. Having conflicting emotions is a common and understandable thing.
For a more personal opinion: this idea that someone being related means you owe them something… well, frankly it’s asinine. We don’t choose our blood relatives, we get stuck with them. Some people win the family lottery, others get stuck with a bunch of assholes. Take the whole blood thing out of the equation, is what I’d say. Missing what you might have had is only human, but separate this from the people they actually were. I guess, ask yourself this: if you weren’t related to them, would you have chosen to have them in your life at all? Your real family is the one you choose. Some people just really aren’t worth your time, even if only because you have to protect your own mental health and happiness.
In your case, if I understand correctly, you’ve already decided not to have them in your life. Maybe it’s just that the finality of death makes you doubt your own choices in this? I’d say trust your instincts and the choices you made. We cannot control or change other people, only the way we respond to them.
Either you trust him or you don’t. If you’re uncomfortable, then tell him. If you’re just basing this in the past, remember he’s a different person from your ex. Also, if it feels wrong, then trust your instincts. Good luck. And don’t let jealousy ruin a good thing.
People do not always work out as romantic partners, but you still really like that person. It can sometimes take a while to stop confusing intimate friendship with romantic feelings. Often times, once you do realize that the person is extremely important to you as a friend, you don’t try to dip back into the romance well because you do jot want to jeopardize the valuable friendship. In other words, as time goes being good friends with an ex or with someone you have had sex with becomes more and more common.
Something else to keep in mind is that you cannot stop someone from being unfaithful if they want to be. All you can do is be kind and faithful to yourself and those you care about, and hope to receive the same in return. Be with your BF. Be with his friend. Maybe you might like her and end up with a lifelong friendship. The only way to find out is to open yourself to others rather than push away because they might betray and hurt you. Control what you can and don’t sweat what you can’t.
I feel like there are two different issues at play here:
OP being not very confortable with their boyfriend meeting his ex. This is something you two have to communicate over, set boundaries and build trust.
The triple meetup. I would recommend that you actively try to not be jealous or overprotective. Rather, see it like he would be introducing you to his best friend. Try to befriend them or at least be friendly. Be interested. Try to understand why he likes her. She might be very cool!
Agreed, it may help to reframe this not as a competition for your boyfriends attention but maybe rather as meeting her will expand your friend group? I don’t think its weird for my partner to text with my friends, so maybe its worth it to see her, spend some time with her, and get to know a person your partner highly values.
Definitely an optimistic viewpoint, but one that’s lead to my personal happiness with my partner.
Flirtation is a lot easier and more comfortable when you know the person already likes you. And it can seem creepy to them if they don’t already like you. So it might be good to not flirt until you’re confident it will be well received and in the meantime just be friendly and sincere. An important aspect of potential relationships is not appearing as if you think someone’s only value is if they’re a potential partner. People talk to and know other people, so treating everyone well can improve chances of potential partners thinking well of you. Sometimes the best thing you can do to find a partner is to work on yourself.
It takes some growth, but once you realize that girls are just human beings themselves, it becomes a lot easier. Nobody expects perfection from other humans in casual conversation. If you say something stupid or fumble your words then laugh it off and keep going. People like people with a sense of humor who don’t take themselves too seriously.
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