You might never lose the weight and, if you do, there’s a high chance of putting it back on. You need someone who will love you for you, not what you look like.
And chances are, if you do lose the weight, you will just find another excuse to avoid life anyway.
There’s no hypocrisy in being big but finding slim more attractive. Lots of slim people find big more attractive. I mean, don’t hurl abuse at fat people for not being fanciable to you. But you’re allowed to have your own preferences (and you’re allowed to have no clue what someone else sees in you).
Stop overthinking, and making plans that let you avoid doing anything now. Get out there and work out how to be you, not the person you wish you were.
I’m sorry, but it is absolutely hypocritical to judge a partner based on something you don’t maintain yourself. People are allowed their preferences, but that doesn’t protect them from being hypocritical about what they prefer.
If you judge them for it, sure. But you shouldn’t be judging anyone at all. I do not like big muscles but I don’t go around telling men with big muscles that I think they’re wrong for having big muscles. And nor do I go around telling tiny women that like big men that they’re hypocrites. Because that would be fucking weird behaviour.
Now I’m a crossfit guy, it works for me. But its not for everyone, I dont drink the koolaid.
But if you find the right gym, with good trainers and people its amazingly social and its great exercise. Join a running club. Do a spin class. Dont go with the intention of meeting women, thats how you be a perv. But I can almost guarantee that you wont be the only person there who is single and there to improve themselves.
Not “Go to the gym” but something that brings you together in a class, work your ass off and be polite and friendly. Nothing women at the gym like less than a dude on the prowl.
“Cracking the code” IMO is truly being content with being alone. Give your heartbreak a “break” if that’s how you’re truly feeling. There shouldn’t be any rush to force things or find someone - especially at your young age(I’m old). If you need companionship, try just doing fun things with fun people you enjoy being around, with no other strings attached.
It sounds like you’re having some great personal revelations. Therapy can help you unpacked this. You’re worthy of love and can get to a point of having a good, fulfilling relationship.
Communication and boundaries. You need to decide whether or not this is something you are willing to live with. If not, communicate what you need to see. If your partner does not respond, you can try enforcing your boundaries. If you’re still living in a laundry heap after that, it’s up to you to decide if you want to end things, or share your life with someone who is not going to respect your boundaries. (I wouldn’t.) Sounds like you’ve already done the communication bit, so what’s got you in denial about the lack of respect? Don’t think about the relationship you wish you had, look at the relationship you have. Is THIS what you want?
I’d also personally be concerned with spending patterns that don’t reflect a reasonable need or occasional luxury.
EDIT: ‘jet’ has a suggestion on totes that is a decent suggestion on what enforcing your boundaries might look like. There’s a difference between interdependency and codependency, and sometimes we or our partners need help. Your partner’s response to the enforcement of your boundaries will be telling.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that this kinda media really gets under your skin and ask if she’d be okay wearing headphones while watching it.
I have a similar relationship with romance reality and I’ve made it clear that I won’t hang out on the couch if that’s what’s gonna be on TV. I tell my partner he’s welcome to watch it all he likes, I’ll just do something else and that’s okay. He doesn’t like the Gundam or mecha shows I watch, so I can just say “hey man, enjoy your show, but this is ‘Gundam’ to me.” And that works as great shorthand. Sometimes he’ll say “oh I was more interested in cuddling with you on the couch than really watching something, I’ll change it” or “oh okay, I really wanted to catch up on this so you go have fun” and I’ll go cook or play a game or workout.
Maybe there’s a similar type of media preference you can reference to help your wife understand your actions.
Though while, ultimately, I think the onus lies on you to remove yourself from the situation rather than encourage your wife to change her behavior, it does sound like you’re trying to do that with your own headphones. At some point, it might be on you to get better at filtering the noise, but your wife might be willing to help you by wearing headphones. That doesn’t seem like a huge imposition to me, especially if it’s for something I’m listening to while doing chores or something. For her listening to clips of shows in between activities? Eh, I think your part of the headphone compromise would be grinning and bearing those brief moments.
Lastly, while I don’t think it’ll directly address this issue, it’s probably not a bad idea to do some introspection as to why this kind of media affects you so strongly. You clearly know what about it bothers you, but I’m sure you can think of other media types you dislike for a similar “moral disagreement” (for lack of a better phrase) that don’t elicit such a reaction. It’s nice to understand the things that trigger us in this way and why. Sometimes unpacking that makes them easier to bear and filter out, too.
Whatever you choose to do (my vote is to talk to a therapist solo), do it soon. I don’t mean that you should put pressure on yourself and rush things, but that I don’t want you to spend any more time feeling stuck and unhappy.
If/when you talk to your partner about divorce, I expect they’ll promise anything in order to change your mind. Be prepared for the avalanche of bullshit, and don’t believe a word they say. Without you, they’ll actually have to be financially responsible for themselves. That is their real fear.
Edit: don’t second guess yourself when it turns out you’re not 100% right. That’s an impossible standard. Even in the most lopsided cases, the obviously wronged party can still take a tiny amount of blame. Plus (no offense intended) it sounds like it would be pretty easy to get you to feel responsible for things that aren’t actually your fault. Don’t be afraid to be tough.
Married for 4 in the relationship for 10. I said I’m not happy, you’re not happy… let’s go to couples therapy… She said only crazy people go to therapy.
I said I’m crazy then… Picked up the phone to call and she cried because “she wasn’t crazy”
I told her if she couldn’t put forth the effort to work with me on our relationship… Then I wasn’t either.
I moved into the spare room and then out shortly afterwards.
5 years later I’m remarried with a kid in a different part of the state.
My ex is a good person she and I just weren’t good together.
Two things. One, she needs help I agree. Two, this sounds really manipulative and suspect. Proceed with caution. I’m not sure sticking this one out is a good call.
You two sound very young, like middle school or early high school. If that's the case then don't worry about it, it's probably just excitement or nervousness. Just enjoy being young and in young love.
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