I thought it was funny at least, so you gave me a good laugh.
I’d say Linux Mint or Ubuntu (you’re familiar with this one) would be good “Out of the Box” options. They run an environment known as “Debian” so they’re super similar and are pretty similar to what Windows offers in all honesty. You just burn them to a USB, run them from your desired computer’s BIOS, and the rest is through a GUI interface you can follow along with. I have no experience with a touchscreen as I’m running Linux Mint XFCE (lightest weight version) on a laptop from the early 2010’s with an Intel N2820 in it, but I’m assuming some workaround can exist to implement that. You also seem somewhat familiar with the alternative programs for different purposes, but rest assured both Ubuntu and Mint come with file explorers (Mint XFCE uses one called Thunar which is pretty effective) and you can easily swap out/install a different file manager to get jobs done as needed.
Plus - any programs you used with Windows which may not have Linux alternatives or versions - can be run through Wine. I’ve encountered a few hiccups when doing this (like a program I needed for school which was unable to pass the initial installation and actually run the program).
I’ve run Linux Mint XFCE as my daily driver for work and school tasks on my laptop for about 2-3 years at this point and it’s been pretty great. Full disclosure: I still run Windows 11 on my main PC at home and have Windows 10 on a HTPC/Server with docker on it (though I’ve been debating switching to Ubuntu for this as well) so I still know there are benefits to a Windows system (while working to remove any and all advertising and AI garbage) but if I were to recommend someone a distro it would be as I’ve said above.