A person who is freezing to death because they refused to put on a coat is in crisis, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.
No matter what you choose to do, things are going to be difficult and awful for a little bit. But one path is going to lead to you eventually feeling a lot better, and the other path is going to have you marching around in circles and not really going anywhere at all. Your choice is whether to endure some really shitty times for things to get better, or to ensure some really shitty times for things to stay more or less exactly the same as they have been.
A person who is freezing to death because they refused to put on a coat is in crisis, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.
So I guess the thing is that I made a choice to continue fighting, meanwhile he made a choice to essentially bury his head in the sand (both on our shared issues and his personal ones)?
I actually don’t think he’s consciously aware of it, but I guess that doesn’t matter. He still has a duty to stop and introspect (and actually listen to what I’ve been trying to tell him).
Everything you do is a choice on some level, and everything he does is a choice too. I guarantee you there have been times where he felt miserable and guilty going to the bar instead of coming home to you. Times where he wanted to open up to you the way you opened up to him. I’m sure those times ate at him and made him feel like a piece of shit or whatever.
And rather than just doing the things he knew would make himself and you feel better, he went to the bar instead. He failed to be emotionally available even after you told him your needs and that you felt neglected.
Whether he’s consciously aware of how that’s messing things up doesn’t really matter in the end. Cause is still preceding effect. But honestly, he almost certainly is aware, and continues to make choices that are hurting you.
You’re absolutely right I think. Ahaha, oh man that is awful. That simultaneously made me feel a lot better and also worse, but that’s it, that’s what I needed to hear.
Women for the most part aren’t insane demons trying to ruin your life, if you talk and act like a normal and respectful person chances are you won’t get wrongfully accused, wtf…
That is equivalent to not driving a car because people occasionally have accidents in them. Probably not even a proper analogy because having a car accident is a lot more likely than a woman conjuring up false accusations against you out of nowhere.
When you’re sitting close to each other, literally say, “do you want to make out for a little while?” Only do this if you know what the answer will be. I like this because it’s not some super corny line, but it’s still kind of funny. Not everyone wants you to grab them and kiss them like in the movies. It’s important to get consent. This silly line has worked for me every time, because you should already know the answer. They’re usually just waiting for you to ask.
I’m 36. It worked with 5ish women before I met my wife (worked with her too) while dating in my 30s. The sillyness is in some ways the point. Don’t take it too seriously, and only ask if you know the answer. Humans give lots of social cues when they want to be intimate: eye contact, smiling, touch, scooting closer, flushed cheeks, incidental contact of the knees or hands. Read those cues correctly and it won’t really matter what words you use because you will already know they want to. And humor is attractive.
For whatever reason, probably societal conditioning, women tend to expect the man to initiate intimacy. It’s scary and nerve-wracking and a lot of pressure. But just throw this line out there. The worst thing that can happen is they say no thanks and you move on.
I’ve found that women, even and perhaps especially adult women, enjoy playfulness, fun, and jokes. The world is serious and difficult. Dating can be a huge pain in the ass. Finding a partner that makes you laugh is often one of the top things women are looking for in a partner.
I mean yeah, all that is fine. I met my wife nine years ago today, we’re 37 & 38 – my first kiss with her was the same: could just feel it in the air and our body language. But we just started making out without any line, lol. I just went for it 😅 Only done that once in my life before then, but it was just after my previous marriage (finally) ended and I just wanted to really put myself outside of my comfort zone.
In all honesty, I think maybe the line wouldn’t work with me, rather than the women. I think it’s too cheesy for me lol. I’m known for being goofy and having a good sense of humor but when it comes to romance I hang it up on the shelf. I prefer to be more serious then, I think. Not dead serious, but you know, romantic serious. 🫠
Hes fine and your making him a better person. He just is inexperienced. You have to realize that women can get experience almost anytime they want but not so with men and it may have changed but inexperienced women tend to go more with aggressive men (till they learn better). So its much harder for quiet, shy type guys to get the experience they need to be more forward. Its the same for quiet, shy girls but again they will not have a problem finding guys taking the initiative for them.
women can get experience anytime they want but not so with men…
What in the incel talking point hell are you on mate? Can we not generalize an entire gender and paint their sexuality and sexual proclivities with such a broad brush?
Ask her if you should get a shotgun and point it at the door anytime you hear human life on the other side. Hopefully at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do, and you can both move on.
Also, depending on how much she harps on this, definitely a red flag.
at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do
While you’re technically right, I’m afraid things don’t work that way. Pushing people into a corner can have the paradoxic opposite result of strengthening their position, even if it is “clearly” wrong.
Sounds like you both did the mature thing and discussed your interest and expectations. May want to revisit that conversation with her.
Her having a friend prompt you too talk with her the first time is a bit worrying, she may be running an old dating script. It is unlikely that you will both default to the same script, so skip that and just talk.
Sorry, my fellow human, but this may not work out.
You know you can still remain friends, right? It sounds like that’s the part of the marriage you still miss…
There’s literally zero reason to cut off all contact unless that’s what she has explicitly stated (or that you want). I’m still very good friends with my former wife, for example, and we split over 14 years ago now and still talk at least once a week.
The only caveat I would give is that you are both firmly in each others friend zone’s here. You both have to be OK with each other dating - no jealousy. If you cannot handle that, then yes, stay away.
It also means any new partner you get will have to be OK with that, too. They will have a right to be jealous and discuss that with you, but it’s not ok for them to say you cannot see your ex, if that’s what you want.
It’s over. She does love you and you love her but it’s done.
She found a guy to hook up with and overall it’s not as fulfilling as being with you but she is beginning to move on. She needs something different for her but still wants all of the emotional support from you. She will you use your support to get over you.
She can be an excellent friend eventually, but right now you need to spend time apart. Your gonna get wrecked if you stick it out as is.
I am just answering on this comment istead on every single one. First of all, thank you all for answering and sharing your honest opinion, it helps to get a “sober” look on this matter from strangers, because when you talk to friends they often choose your side, which is normal, but not always helpful to get a sober view on those things.
I realize that I did her wrong, it was over, she has every right to do what she wants and I am dissapointed in myself for criticizing her for that.
A 7 year relationship and less than a month and she’s dating a new guy? It doesn’t sound like she needed tome to jeal and that alone would prevent me from continuing a relationship with her.
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