You aren’t together anymore. You are basically just alut shaming her because it’s making you hurt. There’s nothing wrong with some rebound sex if she wants that.
A 7 year relationship and less than a month and she’s dating a new guy? It doesn’t sound like she needed tome to jeal and that alone would prevent me from continuing a relationship with her.
Why is it that her actions of sleeping with someone while you were broken up are on her and have consequences, but your actions of breaking up with her aren’t on you and don’t have consequences?
You guys broke up. The consequences of that are that you’re no longer together, no longer committed to each other and how long you were together before that is completely and utterly irrelevant.
If you still believe 2 weeks is “too soon”, please do tell us how long she should have waited - and please show your maths on that one because I’d like to what the formula is for length of time after a relationship is over before it’s “okay” to sleep with someone else. Is it 1 week for every year you’re together? Does the nature of the breakup affect the result? Would it have been more or less okay if it was a total stranger over someone she already knew?
Hopefully by the tone of my response you can start to appreciate how farcical what you’re suggesting is. You owe her an apology for gaslighting her into thinking she’s done anything wrong there and you need to take some self reflection to figure out why you feel the way you (hint: you’ve got insecurities to deal with but don’t feel bad or ashamed of it, we’ve all got them).
You are an adult and your actions have consequences.
My man. You don’t realize that the consequences of you two breaking up means you two are no longer committed. You may be in denial of it, but you two were single from that point moving forward. Neither of you owed each other anything romantically and you are now on your own separate paths. There’s no taking her back. You’ve already expressed your incompatible life goals. It’s time to move on and get back in the dating game. It’s hard and this may not be your last heartbreak.
You won’t start healing until you make a clean break. Stop talking to her. Stop meeting up. Just stop.
Of course you still have feelings and want her back. It hasn’t been enough time to process and grieve the end of your relationship. You can’t just jump from a 7 year relationship to friendship with the snap of your fingers. Give it 6 months to a year before you start talking. Maybe even longer.
TBH if this is being caused by just videos of you and your ex doing harmless things, it sounds like she’s not really ready for an adult relationship and needs to talk to a professional to handle it possibly.
The youtube videos were just romantic stuff mostly, the video she found on my laptop was of a more adult nature. I know she can be insecure bout my last repationship, but I think I’d react similarly if I was in her situation.
I have fucking terabytes, literally, of data. Backups from this phone or the previous, or this laptop or the next, just tons of data, on this drive or another or stuck in a personal S3 storage. Yeah I’ll delete them if I find them but I’m not about to fucking put effort into it. It’s all encrypted, even if it’s found it can’t be opened without explicit permission and action even by the best security engineers in the world, but that doesn’t mean I give a shit about making sure it’s deleted.
When you change partners you tend to remember things like having porn of you backed up on your NAS out of respect. But go on with yourself. Also, xkcd.com/538/
She was.looking for a reason to feel bad and she found it. That’s not your fault OP. Your gf is very insecure and it has nothing to do with you, you’re just the scapegoat. It seems like she’s not ready for a serious relationship, and you may not be either, OP. There’s no “making it up to her”. Based on the very little bit of information present in this thread (take what I’m saying with a grain of salt because I may very well be 100%) it seems like y’all might have some codependency issues
It’s all the stuff before that they are refering to.
But still having that video is a major fuck up especially given everything else you’ve said. It basically confirms everything they were worried about I’m afraid.
Confirms what exactly? That the person they knew was in a prior relationship was in a prior relationship? That they had sex?
Not like I’d want to watch an old video of my SO having sex with their ex but I’m not going to pretend they were a virgin unless they said they were either. Unsurprisingly, a person’s life didn’t revolve around a person they hadn’t yet known.
My wife has full permission to use my laptop (and I hers), but if she got on my laptop to search through my photos and videos to try to find something (something bad, that is), I would absolutely call that a breach of trust.
Then why would she go looking for a video if someone that she knows will hurt her? Sex tape or not, she tried to find things from your old relationship and guess what - people who are dating fuck.
A person who is freezing to death because they refused to put on a coat is in crisis, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.
No matter what you choose to do, things are going to be difficult and awful for a little bit. But one path is going to lead to you eventually feeling a lot better, and the other path is going to have you marching around in circles and not really going anywhere at all. Your choice is whether to endure some really shitty times for things to get better, or to ensure some really shitty times for things to stay more or less exactly the same as they have been.
A person who is freezing to death because they refused to put on a coat is in crisis, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility to light yourself on fire in order to keep them warm.
So I guess the thing is that I made a choice to continue fighting, meanwhile he made a choice to essentially bury his head in the sand (both on our shared issues and his personal ones)?
I actually don’t think he’s consciously aware of it, but I guess that doesn’t matter. He still has a duty to stop and introspect (and actually listen to what I’ve been trying to tell him).
Everything you do is a choice on some level, and everything he does is a choice too. I guarantee you there have been times where he felt miserable and guilty going to the bar instead of coming home to you. Times where he wanted to open up to you the way you opened up to him. I’m sure those times ate at him and made him feel like a piece of shit or whatever.
And rather than just doing the things he knew would make himself and you feel better, he went to the bar instead. He failed to be emotionally available even after you told him your needs and that you felt neglected.
Whether he’s consciously aware of how that’s messing things up doesn’t really matter in the end. Cause is still preceding effect. But honestly, he almost certainly is aware, and continues to make choices that are hurting you.
You’re absolutely right I think. Ahaha, oh man that is awful. That simultaneously made me feel a lot better and also worse, but that’s it, that’s what I needed to hear.
I know it’s a weird thing to say, but instead of feeling hurt maybe try to feel disappointed instead. It sounds like your friend wanted you there, and since you weren’t she tried to include you. It doesn’t sound like they planned to buy the dress without your input, more like an opportunity came up to go shopping. So if you treat it more like a disappointment that you weren’t there you can commiserate with your friend then find something else to do together. Being hurt implies that it was more something that your friend did to you than something that just kinda happened.
There’s definitely disappointment thrown in with the hurt.
I know for a fact she did want me there, and yes, she went out of her way to include me how she could. I don’t think in any way she was trying to sneak in the dress shopping without me. I don’t think she came up with the idea of shopping for dresses today at all, I think her mom did because of her travel anxiety. I think my hurt feelings are more about my friend not putting her foot down and insisting I be there.
Still, even then, I can’t really be mad at her mom for suggesting it, because her mom’s travel anxiety is no joke. It was bad when we were in high school, and it’s gotten far, far worse since then. I’ve talked to my friend many times about how hurt she gets when her mother won’t visit her during other important events because of that anxiety. And I can’t be mad at my friend for not letting this opportunity slip by to have her mom with her for sure. I’m at war with myself.
I don’t know how to be just disappointed instead though. The hurt is still there, I can’t just shut it off, though I think I pinned down more at what exact actions I’m hurt about.
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