I know it feels like it due to societal pressures, but you don’t have to invite anyone to your wedding, except maybe your spouse would be a good idea. Everyone else is optional.
Your mother is more important to you than your uncle, and if you want her there, not inviting your uncle is perfectly fine. In fact, I would even uninvite anyone that tries to shame you into inviting your uncle. Just additional drama that I wouldn’t need in my life.
Who comes to your wedding is your (and your spouse’s) decision only, and every invite should make your wedding better, not worse. It’s possible to be an asshole with who you invite, but in this case it’s absolutely not, you’re not trying to hurt anyone, you’re trying to prevent pain.
Depends on the size of your market. While I’d hate to put life on hold and that can’t be good for mental health, you only get one chance to make a first impression. If your potential target demographic is small, some will hold it against you and you’ll run through the possibilities faster. If there are plenty of fish in your sea, go for it. Even if someone forms a negative opinion based on something g shallow, you can just keep looking
Use the fact that you’re actively working on losing some pounds as a talking point, it’s just another thing to potentially talk about during a date. Makes you look good. Will help build your confidence in your whole self, the entire package, instead of leaning on how you present yourself visually. Dating is also something you get better at with practice, so you may as well be practicing it now. Lastly, will help you maintain motivation to keep on losing weight.
Heres why. Losing weight is working on you. You want your potential mate to see the best you not just physically but mentally.
Trust me lose the weight and fix you. Then jump back in. It will make a world of difference not having to worry about your shit and focus 100% on the relationship.
You might never lose the weight and, if you do, there’s a high chance of putting it back on. You need someone who will love you for you, not what you look like.
And chances are, if you do lose the weight, you will just find another excuse to avoid life anyway.
There’s no hypocrisy in being big but finding slim more attractive. Lots of slim people find big more attractive. I mean, don’t hurl abuse at fat people for not being fanciable to you. But you’re allowed to have your own preferences (and you’re allowed to have no clue what someone else sees in you).
Stop overthinking, and making plans that let you avoid doing anything now. Get out there and work out how to be you, not the person you wish you were.
I’m sorry, but it is absolutely hypocritical to judge a partner based on something you don’t maintain yourself. People are allowed their preferences, but that doesn’t protect them from being hypocritical about what they prefer.
If you judge them for it, sure. But you shouldn’t be judging anyone at all. I do not like big muscles but I don’t go around telling men with big muscles that I think they’re wrong for having big muscles. And nor do I go around telling tiny women that like big men that they’re hypocrites. Because that would be fucking weird behaviour.
Now I’m a crossfit guy, it works for me. But its not for everyone, I dont drink the koolaid.
But if you find the right gym, with good trainers and people its amazingly social and its great exercise. Join a running club. Do a spin class. Dont go with the intention of meeting women, thats how you be a perv. But I can almost guarantee that you wont be the only person there who is single and there to improve themselves.
Not “Go to the gym” but something that brings you together in a class, work your ass off and be polite and friendly. Nothing women at the gym like less than a dude on the prowl.
“Cracking the code” IMO is truly being content with being alone. Give your heartbreak a “break” if that’s how you’re truly feeling. There shouldn’t be any rush to force things or find someone - especially at your young age(I’m old). If you need companionship, try just doing fun things with fun people you enjoy being around, with no other strings attached.
It sounds like you’re having some great personal revelations. Therapy can help you unpacked this. You’re worthy of love and can get to a point of having a good, fulfilling relationship.
When you’re sitting close to each other, literally say, “do you want to make out for a little while?” Only do this if you know what the answer will be. I like this because it’s not some super corny line, but it’s still kind of funny. Not everyone wants you to grab them and kiss them like in the movies. It’s important to get consent. This silly line has worked for me every time, because you should already know the answer. They’re usually just waiting for you to ask.
I’m 36. It worked with 5ish women before I met my wife (worked with her too) while dating in my 30s. The sillyness is in some ways the point. Don’t take it too seriously, and only ask if you know the answer. Humans give lots of social cues when they want to be intimate: eye contact, smiling, touch, scooting closer, flushed cheeks, incidental contact of the knees or hands. Read those cues correctly and it won’t really matter what words you use because you will already know they want to. And humor is attractive.
For whatever reason, probably societal conditioning, women tend to expect the man to initiate intimacy. It’s scary and nerve-wracking and a lot of pressure. But just throw this line out there. The worst thing that can happen is they say no thanks and you move on.
I’ve found that women, even and perhaps especially adult women, enjoy playfulness, fun, and jokes. The world is serious and difficult. Dating can be a huge pain in the ass. Finding a partner that makes you laugh is often one of the top things women are looking for in a partner.
I mean yeah, all that is fine. I met my wife nine years ago today, we’re 37 & 38 – my first kiss with her was the same: could just feel it in the air and our body language. But we just started making out without any line, lol. I just went for it 😅 Only done that once in my life before then, but it was just after my previous marriage (finally) ended and I just wanted to really put myself outside of my comfort zone.
In all honesty, I think maybe the line wouldn’t work with me, rather than the women. I think it’s too cheesy for me lol. I’m known for being goofy and having a good sense of humor but when it comes to romance I hang it up on the shelf. I prefer to be more serious then, I think. Not dead serious, but you know, romantic serious. 🫠
Communication and boundaries. You need to decide whether or not this is something you are willing to live with. If not, communicate what you need to see. If your partner does not respond, you can try enforcing your boundaries. If you’re still living in a laundry heap after that, it’s up to you to decide if you want to end things, or share your life with someone who is not going to respect your boundaries. (I wouldn’t.) Sounds like you’ve already done the communication bit, so what’s got you in denial about the lack of respect? Don’t think about the relationship you wish you had, look at the relationship you have. Is THIS what you want?
I’d also personally be concerned with spending patterns that don’t reflect a reasonable need or occasional luxury.
EDIT: ‘jet’ has a suggestion on totes that is a decent suggestion on what enforcing your boundaries might look like. There’s a difference between interdependency and codependency, and sometimes we or our partners need help. Your partner’s response to the enforcement of your boundaries will be telling.
Usually someone who has obsessive behavior has something in their life that they're not settled with. The brain sort of "gets stuck" trying to redress the imbalance of the unmet need; the coping behavior (in this case the trashy shows) doesn't actually fulfill the need, but the brain's still latched onto it as what might help if you just get enough of it, so the consumption grows out of all proportion.
What's making her unsettled could be anything; could be work, or something in your relationship, or stress about money that's making it so she can't get settled mentally, or what have you. No way to tell from the outside. She may not even be aware of it. But I would try to get to the bottom of what it is and make it a priority. Trying to address watching the shows without addressing the underlying issue is going to be largely fruitless I think. Conversely, my guess is that once the underlying issue is addressed to some extent, then she won't be walking around with the phone or similar. She might still like the shows but it won't be to this obsessive level.
Plus then your wife will be happier, which is no small benefit.
Edit: So to address the I-think-pretty-reasonable question of how actually obsessive her watching of these shows actually is: How much does your wife do this? Like how many hours a day is she watching her shows? Does it actually interfere with other activities, or is it only something she's doing during "downtime" or chores or etc?
Usually someone who has obsessive behavior has something in their life that they’re not settled with. The brain sort of “gets stuck” trying to redress the imbalance of the unmet need; the coping behavior (in this case the trashy shows) doesn’t actually fulfill the need, but the brain’s still latched onto it as what might help if you just get enough of it, so the consumption grows out of all proportion.
Wow, this struck such a chord with me. It suddenly highlighted periods in my life where I’ve obsessively consumed (media, substances) with a feeling of no control, and those were often times where I was struggling with an underlying (often unrecognized) issue.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that this kinda media really gets under your skin and ask if she’d be okay wearing headphones while watching it.
I have a similar relationship with romance reality and I’ve made it clear that I won’t hang out on the couch if that’s what’s gonna be on TV. I tell my partner he’s welcome to watch it all he likes, I’ll just do something else and that’s okay. He doesn’t like the Gundam or mecha shows I watch, so I can just say “hey man, enjoy your show, but this is ‘Gundam’ to me.” And that works as great shorthand. Sometimes he’ll say “oh I was more interested in cuddling with you on the couch than really watching something, I’ll change it” or “oh okay, I really wanted to catch up on this so you go have fun” and I’ll go cook or play a game or workout.
Maybe there’s a similar type of media preference you can reference to help your wife understand your actions.
Though while, ultimately, I think the onus lies on you to remove yourself from the situation rather than encourage your wife to change her behavior, it does sound like you’re trying to do that with your own headphones. At some point, it might be on you to get better at filtering the noise, but your wife might be willing to help you by wearing headphones. That doesn’t seem like a huge imposition to me, especially if it’s for something I’m listening to while doing chores or something. For her listening to clips of shows in between activities? Eh, I think your part of the headphone compromise would be grinning and bearing those brief moments.
Lastly, while I don’t think it’ll directly address this issue, it’s probably not a bad idea to do some introspection as to why this kind of media affects you so strongly. You clearly know what about it bothers you, but I’m sure you can think of other media types you dislike for a similar “moral disagreement” (for lack of a better phrase) that don’t elicit such a reaction. It’s nice to understand the things that trigger us in this way and why. Sometimes unpacking that makes them easier to bear and filter out, too.
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