The battle of the Pattern buffers begins
O’Brien: So, it is down to you. And it is down to me.
Scotty nods and comes nearer.
O’Brien: If you wish her dead, by all means keep moving forward.
O’Brien pushes his long knife harder against Rukia’s unprotected throat.
Scotty: Let me explain…
O’Brien: There’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to kidnap what I’ve rightfully stolen.
Scotty: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.
O’Brien: There will be no arrangement [pauses, deliberately] and you’re killing her!
O’Brien jabs with his long knife. Rukia gasps against the pain. Scotty stops quickly.
Scotty: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
O’Brien: I’m afraid so – I can’t compete with you physically. And you’re no match for my brains.
Scotty: You’re that smart?
O’Brien: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Scotty: Yes.
O’Brien: Morons.
Scotty: Really? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of Pattern Buffers.
O’Brien: For Rukiya?
Scotty nods.
O’Brien: To the death?
Scotty nods.
O’Brien: I accept.
Scotty: Good. Then pour the Romulan Ale.
O’Brien fills the goblets with Romulan Ale. Scotty pulls a small pad from his clothing and hands it to O’Brien.
Scotty: Check out this, but do not touch.
O’Brien: I see nothing.
Scotty: [Takes the pad back] What you do not smell is called Pattern Buffer Corruption. It is odorless, tasteless, infects any transporter, and is among the more deadlier corruption known to the computer.
O’Brien: Hmm.
O’Brien watches as Scotty takes the goblets, turns his back. A moment later, he turns again, faces O’Brien, drops the pad. It is now empty. Scotty rotates the goblets in a little shell game maneuver then puts one glass in front of O’Brien and the other in front of himself.
Scotty: All right: where is the corruption? The battle of Pattern Buffers has begun. It ends when you decide and we both transport, and find out who is right and who is dead.
O’Brien: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the corruption into his own goblet, or his enemy’s? [pauses to study Scotty] Now, a clever man would put the corruption into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I’m not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the Romulan Ale in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the Romulan Ale in front of me.
Scotty: You’ve made your decision then?
O’Brien: Not remotely. Because corruption comes from Orion, as everyone knows. And Orion is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the Romulan Ale in front of you.
Scotty: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
O’Brien: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
Scotty: Orion.
O’Brien: Yes – Orion, and you must have suspected I would have known the corruption’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the Romulan Ale in front of me.
Scotty: [beginning nervousness] You’re just stalling now.
O’Brien: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you? You’ve beaten my giant, which means you’re exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the corruption in your own goblet, trusting on your skills to save you. So I can clearly not choose the Romulan Ale in front of you. But, you’ve also bested my Klingon which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the corruption as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the Romulan Ale in front of me.
Scotty: [nervously] You’re trying to trick me into giving away something – it won’t work –
O’Brien: [triumphant] It has worked – you’ve given everything away – I know where the corruption is.
Scotty: [fool’s courage] Then make your choice.
O’Brien: I will. And I choose [stops suddenly and points at something behind Scotty] what in the world can that be?
Scotty: [Turns, looks] What? Where? I don’t see anything.
O’Brien quickly switches the goblets while Scotty has his head turned.
O’Brien: Oh, well, I-I could have sworn I saw something. No matter.
Scotty turns to face him again. O’Brien starts to laugh.
Scotty: What’s so funny?
O’Brien: I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s drink – me from my glass, and you from yours.
And he picks up his goblet. Scotty picks up the one in front of him. As they both start to drink, O’Brien hesitates a moment. Allowing Scotty to drink first, he swallows his Romulan Ale.
Scotty: You guessed wrong.
O’Brien: [roaring with laughter] You only think I guessed wrong… [louder now] …that’s what’s so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. Ha-ha, you fool.
Scotty sits silently.
O’Brien: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is “Never get involved in a land war in Demilitarized Zone.” But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a Irishman when Transporters are on the line!Ahahahaha, ahahahaha, ahahaha–
thud *
O’Brien laughs and roars and cackles and whoops and is in all ways quite cheery until he falls over dead. Scotty steps past his corpse, taking the blindfold and bindings off Rukia, who notices O’Brien lying dead. Scotty pulls her to her feet.
Rukia: Who are you?
Scotty: I am no one to be trifled with, that is all you ever need know.
Scotty leads her off the mountain path into untraveled terrain.
Rukia: [Glances back toward the fallen O’Brien] To think – all that time it was your cup that was corrupted.
Scotty: They were both corrupted. I spent the last few decades building up an immunity to Pattern Buffer Corruption.
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