Is there a particular reason you want to stay together? You could just break up and, after some time for healing, meet someone new. You don’t have to make yourself miserable. There are plenty of people. Many you could fall in love with.
I’ve been told I’m loyal to a fault, so that could have something to do with it
And yeah, completely agree, there are other fish in the sea. I think I just want this relationship to work because we have had such a good time in the beginning and also harder since we are more tied socially and financially now (not a reason to stay, just makes it harder to leave)
Yeah, factors like how old you are and how financially secure you are matter. I wouldn’t recommend staying just because it was good once. Things change. That’s okay.
Look into PACT Stan Tatkin. Or EFT, Imago, Gottman. Couple therapy has to be more than hashing it out with a witness in order to be effective.
like someone else said, not a lot of info on which to provide feedback but IME many couples fail to create new experiences together as well as fail to really learn to make their partner a source of support. So the 'magic' wanes. Except it's not a matter of magic but of the right behaviors
I don’t have good advice for the resolution you want. So stop reading here if you only want advice for getting the outcome you described here.
With the little information you gave, it sounds to me like I personally would better like to be alone than in this kind of relationship. I don’t have a need to “save” a relationship at all.
I do a lot of self-improvement and think I have very little unresolved personal issues. I love myself a lot and thus would like to be kind to myself and not let myself try to be in a relationship that doesn’t feel good. I would know that there are people out there with whom a better relationship will be possible.
I have a lot to say on this subject but I’m not in a position to type a novel. Commenting as a reminder to check back on this later tonight. Tl;Dr takes a lot of work and soul searching.
Edit: Finally getting around to this. The holiday was super busy.
My partner and I have been through many ups and downs. The secret I’ve found is to force yourself to have adventures together. Go hiking somewhere you’ve never been, attend an event, take a vacation to the beach. Make memories!
Also, what really clicked for me was advice I received from my therapist. Imagine a chart with submissive/dominant on one axis and nice/mean on the other. Chart out exactly where you want your partner to be, and have them do the same.
Then you do the work to encourage your partner to get to your ideal place, and they do the same for their ideal. If you want them to be nicer, be nicer to them. That part of the axis is nice-to-nice and mean-to-mean. But the other axis is opposite - if you want them to be more dominant, then you need to be more submissive and vice-versa.
My partner and I tried this strategy very deliberately for a few weeks and it did wonders for us. Eventually it stuck. Our dynamic is now very powerful and fulfilling.
Admittedly we’re still struggling with intimacy after an affair on his part, but I feel hopeful that we’ll make it work.
You admit that this is the third time your partner has broken up with you. I know it hurts and sucks, but it’s time to move on. You shouldn’t have to convince someone to love you and be with you. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you and your (now ex) partner has the right to walk away amicably without being assailed for it (even if it would make you feel better emotionally for a time).
I’m sorry you’re having this experience though. I’ve been there and it’s the kind of thing that sticks with you. But you can and will get past it.
I’ve been doing really good on not messaging him rn. I’ll take your word on that “has the right to talk away amicably without being assailed for it”, I’ll do my best on that. Thx dud.
I know it’s hard, and it won’t get any easier in the short term, but you deserve to be loved by someone who wants to be with you. This won’t be your last relationship. In time you will heal and hopefully find someone who cherishes you for you
You are worthy of real, earnest love. You deserve someone who wholeheartedly loves and desires you. You can find that person as soon as you end this relationship and finish mourning the end of the relationship you had. Breakups are a form of death in your life, but sometimes you have to let things go to be free for the next good thing in your life. Don’t waste your time on lukewarm partners.
I’ll definitely treasure this one even through all that, I’ll do my best with making sure look out for myself a bit on this situation. I do think it best for me to continue to the next person, I don’t think I can go through a 4th break up with the same person. That just seems like a horrible cycle to follow. Thank you.
This is the 3rd time he’s trying to break up with me, and last time he promised that he’d wait for me and that he won’t break up with me again and that I’d be the one to do so. Just my trust in him is shattered after this.
I know you like him, but that second time should have been the sign to walk (if the first one wasn’t enough).
I am just not sure which way to take this, try to continue with the visit and maybe still stay together or just decide not to go and cut him off from being friends.
If there’s no chance of a compromise between the two positions (ie don’t visit, say you get the message but you can stay friends. Just as long as you know that, a few months from now, you won’t be trying to talk him into giving it another chance) then I suppose you go with the latter option.
I don’t know either of you or your dynamic but it looks almost inevitable that, if you flew out there and talked it through, you’d agree to give things another go. Then a few months later you’d be right back at this point again.
He’s said he doesn’t want the relationship to continue three times, you need to accept that and do whatever you feel you need to do to ensure it doesn’t happen a fourth time as this isn’t good for either of you. If that means cutting off all contact then so be it.
Hey man, I’m sorry you’re going through this. That being said, you need to let him go. It’s not worth staying in a relationship if the other person wants out. It isn’t healthy for either of you.
If you feel like that will give you more closure on the relationship, then go for it. Don’t let meeting up influence you to try to keep the relationship going longer though. He’s already wanted to end this multiple times and you are hurting yourself by keeping it going at this point.
It really odd, i feel like a bit that this break is just temporary and that we’ll get back together, like so much history and friends groups just all gone in a moment. Its rough
It's your wedding, not theirs. Invite whoever you want, or none. This should not be about your uncle, brother or even your mom, but about you and your SO.
I think you should take any opportunity to reduce stress on you on your wedding day. The wedding is for you and your partner and that’s all that will matter in the end.
People that are so selfish that they’d rather bicker and pick fights with other guests at the cost of everyone else’s enjoyment should definitely not be invited.
If you want, just explain to them why you felt you needed to make the decisions you did. Maybe they’ll care enough to listen and take a look at themselves, or maybe not.
It’s unfortunate that they still behave that way at that point in their lives, and I get it that we all have our own set of issues and that nobody is perfect. But, I really don’t think it’s worth risking it on your wedding day. Like I said, that day is for you two. Share it with the people who you can count on to experience that happiness with.
You’re under no obligation to invite anyone aside from your spouse-to-be and legal witnesses. Everyone else is optional, especially people who would create drama and/or hamper the enjoyment of other guests you do want at the wedding.
My partner and I eloped with our witnesses and parents when we got hitched. There was griping on both sides of course, but if I didn’t care enough to have anyone else at the ceremony, why would I give a fuck about their feelings and takes on that decision? They could either get over it or not.
Anyone who gets upset with you for making a choice about YOUR life that in no way materially impacts them or theirs needs a reality check. It’s your life and your wedding. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
It’s your wedding and it’s down to you who attends.
Who ever you do or don’t invite will always cause some friction so it’s a lose/lose situation where the best compromise is to make yourself and your partner happy.
If you’re paying for the wedding yourselves just invite whoever you want. No reason to feel guilty for leaving people out, especially if they’re toxic like that.
If you’re getting help financially from family, I would discuss it with them discretely to make sure there’s no expectations, and make your feelings very known. And still don’t invite if you really don’t feel it’s right. It’s your day.
Your mum comes first. You don’t even have contact with the brother who bullies her and the father who taught him to bully her, why would you ruin her day just to be nice to them?
One day, her brother might grow up and become a decent person. Missing out on your wedding might be the thing that helps him change so don’t deny him that opportunity. Your grandad should have a chance to reflect on how he managed to produce a son so horrible they both missed out on your wedding because of it. He still has time to apologise to her.
I wouldn’t invite him. Weddings are not about the family, they are about the couple. Everyone that starts a drama about invitations and stuff is missing the point.
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