You know you can still remain friends, right? It sounds like that’s the part of the marriage you still miss…
There’s literally zero reason to cut off all contact unless that’s what she has explicitly stated (or that you want). I’m still very good friends with my former wife, for example, and we split over 14 years ago now and still talk at least once a week.
The only caveat I would give is that you are both firmly in each others friend zone’s here. You both have to be OK with each other dating - no jealousy. If you cannot handle that, then yes, stay away.
It also means any new partner you get will have to be OK with that, too. They will have a right to be jealous and discuss that with you, but it’s not ok for them to say you cannot see your ex, if that’s what you want.
Ask her if you should get a shotgun and point it at the door anytime you hear human life on the other side. Hopefully at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do, and you can both move on.
Also, depending on how much she harps on this, definitely a red flag.
at that point it will become clear that this is a stupid thing to do
While you’re technically right, I’m afraid things don’t work that way. Pushing people into a corner can have the paradoxic opposite result of strengthening their position, even if it is “clearly” wrong.
You should just tell them you are not good at flirting and be more direct. It has worked very well for me. You can also work on getting a bit better by just doing so under the context that you are bad and it can be something funny between you and your match/potential partner.
learning to casually flirt is hard! And you can’t learn it without trying and failing a few times… It was scary for me too. I agree with others that spending more time accepting and loving yourself would be beneficial. Another thing that would be beneficial to accept is chance of rejection. It’s not personal and also not a big deal if the person that expressed interest then moves on. I’ve made a mistake a few times really inflating my expectations and fueling my interest and then reacting very poorly to rejection, so that’s another thing I’ve tried to improve.
If you work on these barriers and take shots, you’ll get some practice and improve, and over time you’ll definitely have at least a few successful interactions which will be immensely helpful.
Women for the most part aren’t insane demons trying to ruin your life, if you talk and act like a normal and respectful person chances are you won’t get wrongfully accused, wtf…
That is equivalent to not driving a car because people occasionally have accidents in them. Probably not even a proper analogy because having a car accident is a lot more likely than a woman conjuring up false accusations against you out of nowhere.
Absolutely but you’re leaving out a key concept here, which is pay attention to the reception. If they receive it badly that’s not a hard ‘no fuck off’ (well… unless it literally is), but if it continues to be received badly or even just neutrally, it’s important to recognize this.
OP is worried about how men are judged by default (and understandably so, from both sides of this kind of situation), and they are clearly a little ‘too worried’ but really it’s more like being worried about the wrong part.
People that have trouble with this kind of thing need to shift their perceptive from ‘how will they take it’ to ‘how did they take it’ and make an audible from that point instead of trying to predict the entire sequence. It’s not about the gender or anything else other than how they as a human being receive your attention which requires rational analysis in real time (which is likely where those with low self-esteem can run into trouble) and not falling back on your default perceptions to help cope with the results
Working on your self-esteem first or alongside your dating efforts will be the most useful thing you can do. This is both in terms of your own personal well-being and in how attractive you will be as a potential partner.
Where people get into trouble is when they assume that because the other person is being nice to them, it means they’re interested in something more. I know women who say they can hardly smile at a guy without being asked out on a date. But of course sometimes that are interested, and it can be hard to know without asking, which can be awkward for both.
If you think she might potentially be interested, you might consider inviting her to something casual, like getting a meal or seeing a movie. That in itself won’t tell you she’s interested, but if she’s not interested in something casual, she likely isn’t interested in more than what you have.
Suggesting something like lunch, coffee, or ice cream is a nice, casual place to start. Dinner, movies, or "a drink" can seem like bigger asks--more officially date-like, more expensive, etc. More casual activities can be a good way to start to get to know someone and whether you and they might be interested in each other.
Flirting is a cooperative effort. You can have great game and still fail if she isn’t interested. You might also meet a girl that gives you a positive reaction, but you might miss it if you aren’t looking at her that way. It takes two to make flirting work.
If you want to get to know girls; tell a few jokes or funny stories. If you think a girl might actually like you, tell her a dumb joke. If she laughs, she probably likes you. If she doesn’t laugh, she’s not interested yet. Keep trying and you will learn what works and what doesn’t.
There are lots of women in this world so try talk to as many women as you can. Be persistent without being aggressive and you will do just fine. There is someone out there for everyone.
Why would anyone hate you? Why would you be feel like you will be disgusting?
FWIW you don’t have to flirt to become romantic with a partner. You can just be straightforward and say how you feel. “I like you. You’re really pretty, and you make me happy when we talk.” Some people won’t like that level of honesty and transparency, but it sounds like you wouldn’t want a partner who wants flirting.
Don’t be gross or vulgar. Don’t treat anyone like a sexual object, and take rejection well. It can be crushing to work up the nerve to tell someone how you feel, only to be turned away, but that’s part and parcel with consensual relationships. There are many fish in the sea, and if you hyper-focus on just one, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
Once you’re involved in a relationship, you can try out a little more flirting. Wink or make suggestive comments. Quick kisses on the neck or a pinch might be acceptable depending on the context. Don’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable, and don’t do anything that makes them uncomfortable. Part of a relationship is discovering the boundaries of another individual. You’re going to cross a few lines, and it is important to react with understanding and respect. If your partner reacts negatively, apologize and adjust your behavior. This can be tough, because the boundaries may change with context (e.g. flirting at a bar on a date vs flirting at a family function) or over time (young relationships are more exciting) but as long as you demonstrate that you care about your partner, you can take some calculated risks.
It takes some growth, but once you realize that girls are just human beings themselves, it becomes a lot easier. Nobody expects perfection from other humans in casual conversation. If you say something stupid or fumble your words then laugh it off and keep going. People like people with a sense of humor who don’t take themselves too seriously.
Flirtation is a lot easier and more comfortable when you know the person already likes you. And it can seem creepy to them if they don’t already like you. So it might be good to not flirt until you’re confident it will be well received and in the meantime just be friendly and sincere. An important aspect of potential relationships is not appearing as if you think someone’s only value is if they’re a potential partner. People talk to and know other people, so treating everyone well can improve chances of potential partners thinking well of you. Sometimes the best thing you can do to find a partner is to work on yourself.
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