Going through that now. My dad treated my sister worse than me but was mentally abusive to both of us. He’s in a home now with moderate dementia. She’s pretty much cut him off and only sees him during family dinners once a month.
It’s fallen to me to interact with him. I usually take him out to lunch once a week and buy him some soda, snacks, etc. It’s stressful has fuck though.
I think you can be sad and relieved at the same time. But i don’t think there is any reason to try to feel sad. I grew up to be jaded in a lot of ways and there are a lot of situations where as people we are expected to have an emotional response but I unabashedly own up to my lack of care and don’t even try to fake it in the slightest. I somehow think that disingenuous grieving is worse than no grieving at all. And don’t feel guilty for feeling relieved either, you suffered a lot with this person in your life, and you shouldn’t keep suffering after this person is gone. Reclaim that mental space for yourself and allow yourself to breathe.
Our parents are who the people they are. Yes, they brought us into this world and we owe our existence to them, but they have/had a responsibility to us.
We are who we are because of them, for better or worse. Who we are is because of who we became due to their influence. If they were the best parents and served our best interests, or the worst and failed us, they are still our parents.
We don’t have to forgive them, we don’t have to love them, we don’t have to respect them, we only have to acknowledge them for how we turned out and that doesn’t depend on how good or bad they were. If you are a good person, or aren’t who you feel you should be, be greatful for their reference point.
Bad or good are just subjective references to something else, how you feel about something or someone is up to you. We don’t know your life, we don’t know your parents, and we can’t decide how you should feel because we can’t tell you how you should feel about them.
You have to live with what you feel about them, do and act as you feel you should, and be validated in knowing that being better than your worst instincts makes you better than most.
You are your own person, be the best person you can be and act accordingly.
I had a parent who was terrible. It really sucked because out of my siblings I was the one who was really willing and able to deal with the end of life bullshit. She was mentally and emotionally abusive throughout my life. I did my best to be fair and make sure she was treated with dignity. I think any human being deserves that. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I loved her when she said it to me towards the end. I wasn’t angry towards her or anything. I just tried to deal with it without emotion. My brother did help handle a lot of interaction with her. I’m very thankful he was there with me.
I’ll be honest, I am glad she is gone. I stressed out over her and things she would do. I couldn’t have made the future choices I did if she was still around. Everyone in my family is better off and their lives are better because she is gone. I think feeling bad for their suffering means that you are human and have empathy. I think back still, at times, and feel for her. I think about the things in her life that made her the way that she was. It also fucked me up for a while after my child was born because it made me think of the better times with my mother when I was young. Still does sometimes. But she is gone now. It’s okay to mourn that person so you can move on. You are mourning the good things about the person, and maybe even the bad. To move on past the things that fuck with us, sometimes we have to forgive because it is what is best for ourselves. I at least know I will never have to endure the suffering she inflicted upon me through her abuse again. For that I am greatful.
I’ve given it great thought… both of my parents were … bad; and are not doing well , I live far away from them and have pondered what I’m going to do.
Honestly as I’ve cut them out of my life, for me and mine, I could not care less about them. When they go, I’ll be fine. Yes I’m a cold jerk when it comes to them.
Not a parent, didn’t have bad parents so take the below for what it’s worth.
All I can seriously offer you are my deepest sympathies for your situation. I really hope you find the answers you are searching for.
From an armchair philosophical standpoint, I don’t really feel like anyone should truly owe their parents anything. We didn’t ask to be brought into this world even though many people say life is a blessing. In the end, we all face death though and have to reconcile it in our own way. And if this person is truly one of the worst people in your life and mistreated you as a child then fuck em.
Why do you think you should feel bad for them passing? Is it because they were responsible for your birth, because a life will cease to exist? There may be different reason why you think you should feel sad, but they only matter if it’s something that matters to you specifically.
The relief you feel for them about to die is genuine and given your description, nobody could blame you for having those feelings either.
Most likely you’re feeling a mix of both but feel more strongly about them passing than you feeling sad for someone dying. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Why do you think you should feel bad for them passing?
Because that’s what’s typical. People typically grieve the passing of their parents.
Because I’m hard wired that way. I want/love/crave family at a base level. I had kids because I love having a family. I’m a family person. I know, intellectually, that my parent is garbage, but I am emotional as well.
You guys need couples therapy, not advice from internet strangers on Lemmy. This is an issue that’s going to take some serious unpacking and that requires a professional’s help.
I think that all of the comments here telling you things like “it’s just hair, get over it” etc are bullshit. It may be true for people other than you in other situations but if that were the case then you wouldn’t have posted here in the first place. It’s obviously an issue that requires more than “oh come on its no big deal”. It’s very hard if not impossible for people to change who/what they are attracted to and you should not be shamed or belittled for being attracted to long hair.
Having said that, I do think that couple’s therapy would be a good idea to help you guys get everything out on the table so that you can sort through this together. People change over their lifetimes both physically and mentally, and it can be challenging sometimes to understand and accept those changes.
I’m a white straight cis-woman who hates my hair and would buzz cut if it were more socially acceptable. It’s not a gender thing; it’s a tactile-sensory thing. I dislike it on my neck and face and hate the cost and experience of monthly maintenance to keep a cute pixie cut. A good hairstyle (by good I mean one you feel good in) definitely matters. I’m doing my hair longer now to get it in a pony tail. Don’t love it at all, but while it’s was growing out I felt frumpy and depressed. I would feel more confident if I could buzz mine without this stigma. If I were more courageous I would but the last time I had it very low people were judgy and to me it’s wasn’t worth the reactions.
But I don’t think your post is actually about the hair cut. There’s a lot of feelings you both your ends on what it means and what you think it means but may not. A healthy relationship IMO needs to talk about these openly. Even if you find you’re growing in different directions, if you love her, try to support her being authentic to herself. You may find your relationship can be stronger for it.
Gender euphoria is the opposite. It’s a good feeling when things feel right (seeing yourself look masculine as a trans man). I’m not saying that’s what it was, but it fits a little too well and makes me uncomfortable.
There is so much to unpack in this post, I don’t even know where to begin.
longer hair was making her depressed
No way a hairstyle is the root cause for her being depressed.
You/she need to figure out the real reasons.
But also why a change in hairstyle at all would have any impact at all, I feel this should be such an irrelevant thing on mental state. An interesting question would be, if she were on a lonely island with no one there but her, would her hairstyle still have a large impact on her being depressed? Why? (For me hairstyles/any appearance change are just signals for other people)
In general I agree that your looks are not for yourself, but for your partner. I’d change almost everything about myself as long as it wasn’t a huge maintenance investment (which specific long hair can be, but can also be simple). I don’t understand anyone that chooses a look only for themselves. You don’t even see yourself unless you search for a mirror!
I couldn’t be with a woman with a buzz cut (by choice, when alternatives exist) either.
Your comment was great until the last sentence. I really don’t get it. You can have a preference, sure, but to say you couldn’t be with any women because of short hair is so shallow.
It’s because I’m shallow. Visuals are important to me. I know my preferences, and no/barely any hair on the head is ugly to me. Doesn’t take anything away from the rest of the comment though.
I’d say drop it and accept your wife how she likes to be. It’s not “nothing” but it’s just outer appearance and ultimately she has to walk around with her body and be comfortable with her looks.
You two should talk. Respect each other and find something that works for the both of you. Focus on how you and her feel and what your wants and needs are. In doubt she gets to decide on her own haircut. But try to find out why it’s bothering you and her so much.
Edit: And I’d agree on the couples therapy someone mentioned. This isn’t a healthy situation to be in. You probably need to put in some effort if you want to keep her. Learn how to accept each other and grow past this. I’m not saying you’re at fault or the one needing to change. But the underlying issue could drive you apart if it keeps growing.
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